John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
