just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
