I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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