I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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