i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
