She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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