I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
