Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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