I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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