We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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