Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
