Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
