Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
