Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize