it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize