What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
