It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
