barbara walters just said penis...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
