So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
