I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
