After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
