I wanna bring you to show and tell
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
