meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
