shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
