Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
