is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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