That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize