I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
