Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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