Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
