Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
