i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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