i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
