mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
