I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it hurts more in the daytime
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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