i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
