I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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