I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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