I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
