We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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