Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently the secret to your success is patron
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
