I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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