god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
