He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The struggles of a small town man whore
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
