I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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