Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
