Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
