i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
