id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
