He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
