i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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