george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The air was thick with penises
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize