working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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