She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
