Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
