Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
