I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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