He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
