I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
