My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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